Observational Humour

Beauty is only skin deep, but hey, so is skin cancer.

There’s nothing wrong with praying unless you’re praying as you walk into a crowded market strapped with explosives.

It’s usually the people with the least to talk about who are the ones who talk the most.

To meditate is to handle time with an old pair of tattered oven mitts while piercing the darkness behind your eyes with a clarity born of accepting the nature of your ignorance.

Life is only a joke if everyone has a different punchline.

In the animal kingdom the weak are weeded out and killed or isolated and left to die. As for humanity, the weak are coddled like stupid, awkward children.

I see a bunch of cop cars, a fire truck and an ambulance down the street so I check it out. There’s a guy walking on a ledge on the top of a large parking garage…eight stories up. There’s a bunch of people chatting excitedly, borrowing cell phones and calling their friends. Everybody is looking on in anticipation. After about an hour he decides to live for another day. Nothing like a potential suicide to bring people together.

I was thinking about how often people use clichés when speaking and how annoying it can sometimes be. Then I silently wondered ‘Which cliché has the most universal significance?’ It came to me almost immediately. THE TRUTH HURTS.

You can only get by for so long when you’re suppressing your instincts. Everybody is looking for the thrill. Something to steer them away from their confused desires. Whether it’s holding your breath under water or slaughtering people in a video game. Each time you need a little bit more.

Is the media feeding your desire to justify your evil impulses?

How do you document failure without losing a part of yourself in the process?

Uncomfortable silences will find you.

Give you the shirt off my back? I wouldn’t even give you the shirt that’s been collecting dust in the corner of my closet for four years. And I fucking HATE that shirt.

Buy all that you can be.

“So your Mom’s out of the hospital?”
“Yeah. She’s doing alright.”
“So she’s back to her normal routine?”
“Yeah…Staring at the TV twelve hours a day in her usual semi-comatose state.
Sometimes I nudge her and remind her that the TV’s not on.”
“Well…glad to hear she’s doing better.”

“Hey sexy. Want some company?”
“No. You couldn’t turn me on with nuclear switches.”

"My shrink attacked me. Pinned me to the floor and started swearing at me."
"Holy shit. Why?"
"I guess I have a lot of problems."

"I don't like you playing those violent video games. Read a book or do something useful."
"But Mom, all the cool kids play these games."
"Oh. OK. That's fine then. Why didn't you tell me sooner?"

"I was lost until I found Jesus."
"I was lost until I got rid of him."

My friend’s mother bought him a really sharp looking leather jacket. So he says “Looks like I’ll be wearing cow as well as eating it. I could even do both at once.” And I say “If you were trapped inside a cow’s stomach and had to eat your way out you would technically be eating and wearing the cow at the same time also.” My friend says “How in hell would you become trapped inside a cow’s stomach?” to which I reply “That’s not important.”

This guy I know spends practically every waking moment watching television. The trashier and more useless the better. So I accidentally tripped on the cable cord and disconnected it. The guy jumps up like I just shot his gramma in the face. I had to tell him "So sorry...I didn't know that cord was your life support." Asshole.

A friend of mine is on a list that subsidizes rental properties. He's been on the list for eight years. I had to say to the guy "You could be waiting until they end up subsidizing your funeral arrangements."

I appreciate the way life recycles itself. Organic synthetics. Synthetic organics. What a clever mess this is that surrounds us. It makes me want to laugh myself to sleep just to be different.

I've met a lot of strange people in this city. It's been very helpful.

I don’t gamble with my money. I gamble with my life.

When you tell someone you love them you don't want their answer to be "OK".

It is truly a tragedy when a rock star goes bald. A TRAGEDY FOR US ALL.

You know you’re in trouble when your fear of the known surpasses your fear of the unknown.

I just discovered the meaning of life but I’M SO FUCKING EXCITED I can’t articulate it properly.

Poets. Yawn. You come up to me on the street and start using fractured sentences and repeating yourself for no good reason you get hit. HARD.

While you’re out there smelling the flowers and admiring all the goddamn beauty I’m trying really hard to stay away from weapons.

Who finds a needle in a haystack? A junkie with a $300 a day habit.

Sometimes I think it’s worth staying alive just to see how everybody else dies.

Being insane has kept me from going crazy.

I read that the Government spends more of its resources registering duck hunters than sex offenders. Now why don’t we combine those ideas and genetically engineer a duck that will isolate sex offenders and mutilate their genitals. Or something like that.

I believe that it really helps the cops out when a citizen takes the law into their own hands.

Perhaps an indication of the times we live in, a major wholesale retailer now carries COFFINS…a whole section devoted to coffins. What’s next? A package deal with gravestones? 25 percent off the engravings on a gravestone with the purchase of any coffin over $500? For those of you who plan ahead…maybe they could throw in a rope with a noose already tied to perfection or some cyanide as your beverage of choice. Hey, maybe your DNA is going out of style. This is BUSINESS, people.

A typical newscast goes like this: Disaster. Tragedy. Injustice. Madness. Chaos. Hatred. And at the end they tack on some feel good story about an abandoned puppy who now has a new home. LOOK AT THE PUPPY. HE MAKES EVERYTHING ALRIGHT. LOVE THAT PUPPY. WHAT AN ADORABLE LITTLE FUCKING PUPPY. To all the people who’s lives were mercilessly destroyed : IT WAS NOT IN VAIN. THE GODDAMN PUPPY IS HAPPY IN HIS NEW HOME. THE WORLD FINALLY HAS BALANCE AGAIN.

Most psychiatrists are just high priced drug dealers. A shrink told me he couldn't be an artist because he didn't have the ability to look that deep inside himself and the world around him. Oh, and I guess toying with the human mind is a shallow occupation. You might call it fast food psychiatry. I can just see him lying on the beach in some exotic location without a thought in his head.

My roommate had a bet with a friend that he wouldn't hug his own mother. He couldn't remember the last time he had hugged her. So, he asked her if he could. She looked confused. "What are you trying to prove?" she demanded. She briefly considered that he might have a knife behind his back. So, he hugged her. It was excruciatingly uncomfortable for both of them. His mom then said "You realize I'm going to be up all night trying to make sense of this." Truly a heartwarming story.

I used to have a roommate who sniffed a lot of glue when she was a teenager. It was obvious that she had some brain damage as well as serious emotional problems. She couldn't look people in the eye when she talked to them. One day, when we were stoned, I just had to ask her "What were you trying to do, build a plastic model in your brain?" Or maybe the glue was holding her fragile brain together. Hmmmmmm...

What's new in a world that doesn't care about everything? Who's nothing hoping for something? Who's nothing getting nothing in return? Who's nothing spending everything? Who's everything caring about nothing? Who's getting it higher up seeing everything?
Who's giving up a few things to spend on people? Who's saying what counts? Who's using it up?

You can’t teach an old dog new tricks but you can shoot him and blame it on the voices in your head then make up some bullshit story about how unique and special you are.

I’ll go out screaming before I go out begging. And I’ll give your woman a fake orgasm anytime, anywhere.

There’s a ceiling below me and a floor above my head. My brain needs plastic surgery.

Why is it always the unspeakable crimes that people talk about most?

People die of starvation and loneliness and for no reason at all. Now clean yourself up. Get your brain sorted out and come back when you resemble a goddamn human being. You’re dying right in front of my eyes. It’s just too goddamn pathetic. I mean, it’s really fucking sad. Think back to a time when your life made sense and go find it. Just keep the line moving, it’s a busy day. A lot of people are just looking to fuck up and I’m sorting them out and it seems like it’s taking an eternity. It’s just a goddamn mess and the smell is fucking unbelievable.

What do you mean you don’t know what I’m talking about? Where have you been? Iraq? In the arms of a prison bitch? You have a stunning talent for stating the obvious.
Are you running stop signs in your brain again? You whine too much. You sound like that fucking Fisher Price barn I had when I was a kid.

For every gymnast or other athlete that makes it to the Olympics there are thousands who have ruined their bodies and live in chronic pain because their joints and tendons have withered from prolonged stress, usually starting at a young age when the body is still developing. And no, I’m not saying this because I just did 500 sit-ups and pissed blood. That’s today’s lesson. Fucked if I know what you’ll do with it.

One person thought it was so hysterical they laughed until they coughed up blood until they had to be hospitalized.
Others found it hilarious.
To some it was laugh out loud funny.
Many found it mildly amusing.
Yet another found it good for a chuckle.
Other responses thought it to be vaguely involving, offensive and insensitive, brutally sadistic and a hideous mockery of all that is moral and sacred.
One person found it so overwhelming as to contemplate some form of immediate suicide.
This person was hospitalized as well. (story comes full circle without any context given.)

The government should over-tax the poor so they have a harder time arming themselves.

On TV it’s OK to shred somebody with a chainsaw and stomp on their brains until they leak into the sewer but show a nipple and the whole world comes crashing down.

I’ve heard religious people utter the phrase “Rest in Peace”. Make up your mind. Eternal life or eternal peace? Which is it? Hypocrites.

I know you’re punk rock and kick serious ass or whatever but spending an hour in front of the mirror each day kind of defeats the purpose. You’re about as interesting as a celebrity horoscope.

What’s the deal with people and tap water? When did it become wrong to drink tap water? I swear, I’m out with this girl and she buys bottled water and I get regular tap water and she looks at me like I just took a shit on her pillow.

“Dude. Picture this. You meet the girl of your dreams. Beautiful face…amazing personality…nice tits…great ass. But you find out she has a dick. What would you do?”
“Goddamn. You gotta stop getting your porn from the discount bins.”

“When I told you I wanted to be pampered I didn’t mean buy me adult diapers. I meant treat me like the special person I am and be romantic and thoughtful.”
“Sorry. I thought you were coming to terms with some kind of diaper fetish.”

Have you ever sat down and watched the channel that broadcasts live from the House of Commons? These people would get more done if they sat in a circle in a dimly lit room and jerked-off on a monkey skull.

Defense mechanisms eroding. Body weakening under the abuse. Character flaws on course for collision. Suppressed emotions bubbling to the surface. Leaning over the edge at an unsustainable angle. Breathing and grieving and trying to pay off a debt to the universe. Plague coming in impossible disguises. Should I hate myself for hating? A short, reckless life. Running from all that is ugly. The smell of people rotting from the inside out. This grinning sin. This burning skin. An endless recycling of souls. Looking for the perfect loophole while eternally suspended in space.