Comedy Skits and Dialogues
“How’s your friend….the guy with cancer.”
“Oh him. He’s dead.”
“He must have put up quite a fight.”
“Actually, no he didn’t. He just kind of stared at the ceiling and waited to die. No fight at all. Just a lot of mumbling and nonsense.”
“You still with that crazy chick?”
“Yup. Still cries herself to sleep. Basically a lot of crying.”
“That’s sad.”
“Not really.”
“You still working at the same job making the big money?”
“Yeah.”
“Must be nice having money.”
“Yeah. It is.”
“I eat my skin, y’know.”
“Really? What’s the point?”
“I guess it just helps pass the time. And I saw it on TV.”
“So, what else is new?”
“Well, I’m drinking full-time now.”
“Finally turned pro, eh?”
“Yeah.”
“How did that test go anyways?”
“I passed it with flying colours.”
“What? You took drugs before the test?”
“Huh? No…..I did well on the test.”
“What do flying colours have to do with it then?”
“OK. I was on drugs. Those colours were fucking amazing.”
“So tell us….getting your hand bit off by a shark…Did it hurt? Were you scared? It must have been traumatic for you.”
“It hurt a bit. Was I scared? Not really. I didn’t much care for that hand anyway to be honest. Hardly ever used it. Although it was my designated nose picking hand. But now I use the other hand's fingers to pick my nose and I think I like it even better than before with the other hand. Plus the stump looks pretty cool. I’m always the life of the party missing a hand and all. People want to know about stuff like that. It’s actually had a really positive impact on my social life. I rub my stump on people’s faces and that always gets a laugh. Scares the hell out of kids but I truly enjoy scaring kids.”
“Hello. I’m trying to get a hold of Andrew. Is he there?”
“No, he’s not here right now.”
“Do you have his cell number?”
“No, he’s not in prison he’s just not here.”
“No…no. His cell phone number.”
“Are you calling from jail? I didn’t think each cell would have their own number.”
“No, I’m not calling from jail. I need his cellular phone number.”
“Oh, I see. Sorry, I don’t have it.”
"I told you not to mention it. Promise me you won't mention it...and if you did mention it at least tell me that you mentioned it."
"Well, I mentioned it to her but I told her not to mention it so it won't be mentioned again."
"So you told her not to mention it because I told you not to mention it?"
"Yes. She won't mention it...and if she does mention it she will feel guilty because she knows that both of us don't want her to mention it."
"OK. This conversation never happened. Don't mention it to anyone."
"Done deal."
"Thanks. You're a good friend."
"Don't mention it."
“Hello. I’m calling about the nature of the legal forms I’m supposed to sign.”
“The nature? You mean the wilderness? Well, I suppose the forms were once a tree.”
“No…no. What do the forms mean?”
“You think I’m mean? Most people think I’m nice. You don’t even know me.”
“No. I didn’t say that. What do the forms say?”
“They are forms. They don’t speak. Don’t be ridiculous.”
“Look. What the hell is your problem? You are totally misunderstanding what I’m saying to you.”
“What’s my problem? My prostate is the size of a golf ball and it takes me five minutes to pee.”
“OK…whatever. Let me talk to someone different.”
“Oh…you don’t think I’m different? I’m actually a visible minority.”
“How the fuck am I supposed to know or even care about that?!? Quit changing the goddamn subject and let me talk to your supervisor.”
“I wear a visor on hot days to help deal with the sun’s harmful rays but I wouldn’t call it super in any way and no you can’t talk to it because like the forms it cannot speak. It is an object and it does not have vocal chords.”
“Alright. Fuck you and fuck the forms. Go to hell.”
“I’d rather go to heaven.”
“Fuck you.” [click]
“You’re the best.”
“I appreciate it but how can you say that? There are billions of people on this planet and you’ve met a small small small percentage of them. I can’t accept that compliment.”
“You can be a real asshole. A really humble asshole.”
“Dude. I was just on TV! The local news!”
“No shit. How did it go down?”
“Well, earlier in the day some guy filmed me walking down the street.”
“That’s it? You didn’t talk to the guy?”
“No. They only filmed my body but I know it was me because of the clothes I was wearing.”
“So what was the point of that?”
“They were doing a story on the obesity epidemic.”
“You’re serious. That’s what you’re all worked up about? They showed your disgusting body jiggling down the street and hid your identity out of pity?”
“Yeah but I was on fucking TV man!”
“I just don’t see the big deal here other than the fact that you were a big deal with your fat ass and man breasts.”
“Dude, don’t put me down. You’re just jealous.”
“Oh c’mon. The people watching were probably laughing. Can’t you see that? They made a fucking example out of you.”
“Fuck, man. Don’t ruin it for me.”
“I’m just being honest.”
“BUT I WAS ON FUCKING TELEVISION. I’m gonna eat a pizza to celebrate.”
“My point exactly. Talk to you later superstar.”
“Oh, my God.”
“What about your God?”
“I just thought of something. I think I left the stove on.”
“What does your God have to do with that?”
“Nothing. It’s just an expression.”
“An expression of faith towards your God?”
“No. It’s just something people say.”
“Is your God in trouble? Are you in trouble?”
“Yeah. If my home burns to the ground.”
“Maybe you should just trust your God on this one.”
“To be honest, I don’t even really believe in God.”
“OK. Now I’m confused…”
“I think if there really is a God he wants us to be confused.”
“How sad.”
I’m at the Pearly Gates. God says to me:
“You used the wrong toothpaste.”
“What? Really?”
“Yes. The brand you used was effective for 82 percent of your dental hygiene needs. The one I’m going to recommend to you is effective for 87 percent. You should also use mouthwash but don't be tempted to drink it. Now go back and live your life again with this wisdom in mind.”
“Jesus Christ!”
“No, God actually. Jesus is my rebellious son.”
“Sorry. I just didn’t realize the eternal ramifications of proper dental hygiene.”
“Well, now you know. Don’t bother with the whitening strips. That shit is too expensive.”
“You answered on the first ring."
"Yeah. I'm expecting a call."
"Hmmmm. That's odd. From who?"
"A contract killer."
"Seriously? What for?"
"I'm having myself killed."
"Why?" Because it is now perfectly obvious to me that I will never have the things I want in life and I'm tired of trying."
"Hmmmm...OK...I see. How's it going to go down?"
"Well, I pay him $2000 and I leave my apartment door unlocked and he comes strolling in with a gun equipped with a silencer and shoots me between the eyes while I'm sleeping. Gonna make my pillow look real pretty. And he makes it look like a robbery so I don't shame my family by being a coward. Which is basically what I am."
"Well, if it makes you feel any worse, I always thought of you as the cowardly type. And $2000 seems like a pretty fair price."
"Don't rub it in. I'm not looking for sympathy though. I'm way beyond that. My brain is just itching for a bullet, simple as that. There's no other way. I hate society and society hates me. Done. Just don't tell my family about this conversation we're having."
"No problem. I don't even like your family."
"Anyways, have a great life. You're not gonna miss me are you?"
"No, probably not. It seems I only call you when the people I really want to talk to are busy. You're basically last on my list."
"Glad to hear it. Another nail in the coffin. I'm really psyched for this. I really feel it's the right decision. Money well spent."
"Well, I just hope that in death you find the answers that you couldn't find in life." "Thanks, but I'm not religious. Heaven and hell just seem to be scare tactics. It's all quite ridiculous really. I'm just looking forward to some peace and quiet."
"Well good for you. I really don't know what else to say."
"There is nothing else to say. Goodbye."
"OK. Bye."
“Oh him. He’s dead.”
“He must have put up quite a fight.”
“Actually, no he didn’t. He just kind of stared at the ceiling and waited to die. No fight at all. Just a lot of mumbling and nonsense.”
“You still with that crazy chick?”
“Yup. Still cries herself to sleep. Basically a lot of crying.”
“That’s sad.”
“Not really.”
“You still working at the same job making the big money?”
“Yeah.”
“Must be nice having money.”
“Yeah. It is.”
“I eat my skin, y’know.”
“Really? What’s the point?”
“I guess it just helps pass the time. And I saw it on TV.”
“So, what else is new?”
“Well, I’m drinking full-time now.”
“Finally turned pro, eh?”
“Yeah.”
“How did that test go anyways?”
“I passed it with flying colours.”
“What? You took drugs before the test?”
“Huh? No…..I did well on the test.”
“What do flying colours have to do with it then?”
“OK. I was on drugs. Those colours were fucking amazing.”
“So tell us….getting your hand bit off by a shark…Did it hurt? Were you scared? It must have been traumatic for you.”
“It hurt a bit. Was I scared? Not really. I didn’t much care for that hand anyway to be honest. Hardly ever used it. Although it was my designated nose picking hand. But now I use the other hand's fingers to pick my nose and I think I like it even better than before with the other hand. Plus the stump looks pretty cool. I’m always the life of the party missing a hand and all. People want to know about stuff like that. It’s actually had a really positive impact on my social life. I rub my stump on people’s faces and that always gets a laugh. Scares the hell out of kids but I truly enjoy scaring kids.”
“Hello. I’m trying to get a hold of Andrew. Is he there?”
“No, he’s not here right now.”
“Do you have his cell number?”
“No, he’s not in prison he’s just not here.”
“No…no. His cell phone number.”
“Are you calling from jail? I didn’t think each cell would have their own number.”
“No, I’m not calling from jail. I need his cellular phone number.”
“Oh, I see. Sorry, I don’t have it.”
"I told you not to mention it. Promise me you won't mention it...and if you did mention it at least tell me that you mentioned it."
"Well, I mentioned it to her but I told her not to mention it so it won't be mentioned again."
"So you told her not to mention it because I told you not to mention it?"
"Yes. She won't mention it...and if she does mention it she will feel guilty because she knows that both of us don't want her to mention it."
"OK. This conversation never happened. Don't mention it to anyone."
"Done deal."
"Thanks. You're a good friend."
"Don't mention it."
“Hello. I’m calling about the nature of the legal forms I’m supposed to sign.”
“The nature? You mean the wilderness? Well, I suppose the forms were once a tree.”
“No…no. What do the forms mean?”
“You think I’m mean? Most people think I’m nice. You don’t even know me.”
“No. I didn’t say that. What do the forms say?”
“They are forms. They don’t speak. Don’t be ridiculous.”
“Look. What the hell is your problem? You are totally misunderstanding what I’m saying to you.”
“What’s my problem? My prostate is the size of a golf ball and it takes me five minutes to pee.”
“OK…whatever. Let me talk to someone different.”
“Oh…you don’t think I’m different? I’m actually a visible minority.”
“How the fuck am I supposed to know or even care about that?!? Quit changing the goddamn subject and let me talk to your supervisor.”
“I wear a visor on hot days to help deal with the sun’s harmful rays but I wouldn’t call it super in any way and no you can’t talk to it because like the forms it cannot speak. It is an object and it does not have vocal chords.”
“Alright. Fuck you and fuck the forms. Go to hell.”
“I’d rather go to heaven.”
“Fuck you.” [click]
“You’re the best.”
“I appreciate it but how can you say that? There are billions of people on this planet and you’ve met a small small small percentage of them. I can’t accept that compliment.”
“You can be a real asshole. A really humble asshole.”
“Dude. I was just on TV! The local news!”
“No shit. How did it go down?”
“Well, earlier in the day some guy filmed me walking down the street.”
“That’s it? You didn’t talk to the guy?”
“No. They only filmed my body but I know it was me because of the clothes I was wearing.”
“So what was the point of that?”
“They were doing a story on the obesity epidemic.”
“You’re serious. That’s what you’re all worked up about? They showed your disgusting body jiggling down the street and hid your identity out of pity?”
“Yeah but I was on fucking TV man!”
“I just don’t see the big deal here other than the fact that you were a big deal with your fat ass and man breasts.”
“Dude, don’t put me down. You’re just jealous.”
“Oh c’mon. The people watching were probably laughing. Can’t you see that? They made a fucking example out of you.”
“Fuck, man. Don’t ruin it for me.”
“I’m just being honest.”
“BUT I WAS ON FUCKING TELEVISION. I’m gonna eat a pizza to celebrate.”
“My point exactly. Talk to you later superstar.”
“Oh, my God.”
“What about your God?”
“I just thought of something. I think I left the stove on.”
“What does your God have to do with that?”
“Nothing. It’s just an expression.”
“An expression of faith towards your God?”
“No. It’s just something people say.”
“Is your God in trouble? Are you in trouble?”
“Yeah. If my home burns to the ground.”
“Maybe you should just trust your God on this one.”
“To be honest, I don’t even really believe in God.”
“OK. Now I’m confused…”
“I think if there really is a God he wants us to be confused.”
“How sad.”
I’m at the Pearly Gates. God says to me:
“You used the wrong toothpaste.”
“What? Really?”
“Yes. The brand you used was effective for 82 percent of your dental hygiene needs. The one I’m going to recommend to you is effective for 87 percent. You should also use mouthwash but don't be tempted to drink it. Now go back and live your life again with this wisdom in mind.”
“Jesus Christ!”
“No, God actually. Jesus is my rebellious son.”
“Sorry. I just didn’t realize the eternal ramifications of proper dental hygiene.”
“Well, now you know. Don’t bother with the whitening strips. That shit is too expensive.”
“You answered on the first ring."
"Yeah. I'm expecting a call."
"Hmmmm. That's odd. From who?"
"A contract killer."
"Seriously? What for?"
"I'm having myself killed."
"Why?" Because it is now perfectly obvious to me that I will never have the things I want in life and I'm tired of trying."
"Hmmmm...OK...I see. How's it going to go down?"
"Well, I pay him $2000 and I leave my apartment door unlocked and he comes strolling in with a gun equipped with a silencer and shoots me between the eyes while I'm sleeping. Gonna make my pillow look real pretty. And he makes it look like a robbery so I don't shame my family by being a coward. Which is basically what I am."
"Well, if it makes you feel any worse, I always thought of you as the cowardly type. And $2000 seems like a pretty fair price."
"Don't rub it in. I'm not looking for sympathy though. I'm way beyond that. My brain is just itching for a bullet, simple as that. There's no other way. I hate society and society hates me. Done. Just don't tell my family about this conversation we're having."
"No problem. I don't even like your family."
"Anyways, have a great life. You're not gonna miss me are you?"
"No, probably not. It seems I only call you when the people I really want to talk to are busy. You're basically last on my list."
"Glad to hear it. Another nail in the coffin. I'm really psyched for this. I really feel it's the right decision. Money well spent."
"Well, I just hope that in death you find the answers that you couldn't find in life." "Thanks, but I'm not religious. Heaven and hell just seem to be scare tactics. It's all quite ridiculous really. I'm just looking forward to some peace and quiet."
"Well good for you. I really don't know what else to say."
"There is nothing else to say. Goodbye."
"OK. Bye."
posted by Kevin C. Pearce | 2:57 PM
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