Mock Band Interview
Interviewer: What separates you from the other bands out there?
Singer: We're pretty stupid and we hardly ever get laid. Or paid. I mean...I get laid sometimes but not nearly enough and the rest of the band are kind of hard on the eyes so it's pretty fucking sad. That's why we're so ferocious onstage...all that sexual tension and angst goes into our performance. Does that answer your question? Probably not. Oh well.
Interviewer: Uh huh...What is your target market exactly?
Singer: Fuck, I dunno. Cellulite pig Welfare Mom's with eight kid's that aren’t toilet trained. Fuck target markets. We let the record company do all that bullshit with the advertising, etc...
Interviewer: Do you respect your fans?
Singer: Let's just say that someone jumped onstage during a song and I fuckin' punched him in the face. Knocked the fucker right out. Kicked him when he was down too. Then I threw him into the mosh pit for further abuse. Fuckin' crowd loved it. We're being sued over that one but hell, you wouldn't believe the kind of publicity we're gettin' for it. A very wise career move, to say the least.
Interviewer: So, you condone violence at your shows?
Singer: When people hit a certain stage of boredom and despair they do one of two things: Destroy themselves or destroy other people. I don't really have a preference. They both make perfect sense to me and I'm sure our fans understand that. If they don't, they can go back to worrying about which dandruff shampoo to buy.
Interviewer: Tell me about your new single “Too fucked up to fall in love.”
Singer: It’s about someone who’s too fucked up to fall in love.
Interviewer: Uhhhh…..right. Your lyrics are notoriously cynical and hateful without really a proper context. Do you take responsibility for this, especially knowing that you do have a lot of impressionable young fans?
Singer: I'm in a fucking BAND, man. I can't do anything else. I can't handle responsibility. That's for the parents to deal with. I drink and do drugs. I can barely hold my dick to take a piss most nights. Look, can you leave me alone? Your questions are giving me a goddamn headache. There's really nothing more to talk about. We just do our thing, man. It doesn't hold up well to analysis. My reality is a hard sell and I'm sick of talking about it. Anyways, I'm getting hooked up with this groupie chick in half an hour and I can't get erect unless I'm on a certain mix of coke and ecstasy. Quote me on that if you want. End of interview. God, my head hurts. GET OUT OF MY DRESSING ROOM OR I WILL CUT YOU.
Singer: We're pretty stupid and we hardly ever get laid. Or paid. I mean...I get laid sometimes but not nearly enough and the rest of the band are kind of hard on the eyes so it's pretty fucking sad. That's why we're so ferocious onstage...all that sexual tension and angst goes into our performance. Does that answer your question? Probably not. Oh well.
Interviewer: Uh huh...What is your target market exactly?
Singer: Fuck, I dunno. Cellulite pig Welfare Mom's with eight kid's that aren’t toilet trained. Fuck target markets. We let the record company do all that bullshit with the advertising, etc...
Interviewer: Do you respect your fans?
Singer: Let's just say that someone jumped onstage during a song and I fuckin' punched him in the face. Knocked the fucker right out. Kicked him when he was down too. Then I threw him into the mosh pit for further abuse. Fuckin' crowd loved it. We're being sued over that one but hell, you wouldn't believe the kind of publicity we're gettin' for it. A very wise career move, to say the least.
Interviewer: So, you condone violence at your shows?
Singer: When people hit a certain stage of boredom and despair they do one of two things: Destroy themselves or destroy other people. I don't really have a preference. They both make perfect sense to me and I'm sure our fans understand that. If they don't, they can go back to worrying about which dandruff shampoo to buy.
Interviewer: Tell me about your new single “Too fucked up to fall in love.”
Singer: It’s about someone who’s too fucked up to fall in love.
Interviewer: Uhhhh…..right. Your lyrics are notoriously cynical and hateful without really a proper context. Do you take responsibility for this, especially knowing that you do have a lot of impressionable young fans?
Singer: I'm in a fucking BAND, man. I can't do anything else. I can't handle responsibility. That's for the parents to deal with. I drink and do drugs. I can barely hold my dick to take a piss most nights. Look, can you leave me alone? Your questions are giving me a goddamn headache. There's really nothing more to talk about. We just do our thing, man. It doesn't hold up well to analysis. My reality is a hard sell and I'm sick of talking about it. Anyways, I'm getting hooked up with this groupie chick in half an hour and I can't get erect unless I'm on a certain mix of coke and ecstasy. Quote me on that if you want. End of interview. God, my head hurts. GET OUT OF MY DRESSING ROOM OR I WILL CUT YOU.
posted by Kevin C. Pearce | 1:10 AM
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