The Intervention
The following takes place in an office setting just after lunch.
Ken walks in the room to see his co-workers looking at him in a concerned fashion.
Ken: Hey guys, what’s up? What a great lunch.
Worker #1: Hey, Ken. Have a seat. We have to talk. We’re all really concerned about you, Ken. We think you need help so we’ve arranged this intervention.
Ken: An intervention? For me? What on earth for?
Worker #2: It’s the coffee, Ken. You used to drink regular coffee and for the last couple of weeks we know you’ve switched over to decaf. You’re a different person.
Ken: Really? How so?
Worker #1: Well, to begin with you’ve lost your edge. The old Ken was always there with a cheap laugh at somebody else’s expense. The old Ken had a bitter, nasty, cynical, dark, sarcastic sense of humour. Let me put it this way. You, Ken, are too goddamn NICE.
Ken: Wow. Really? It is true that I’ve been feeling really good these days. You guys think it’s the coffee? Hmmmmm...maybe it is. But hey you guys, c’mon, I guess you could call this the new me. I no longer feel the need to be rude to people and to hate my life with such relentless passion.
Worker #3: Seriously, Ken. You’re boring. I miss those times where I’d hear you alternately crying and then screaming alone in the bathroom stall.
Worker #2: Yeah, Ken. Or those times you’d break the window with your elbow and threaten suicide. Good old Ken. Up to his usual antics. WHERE HAS HE GONE?
Ken: I don’t know guys. I guess I’ve just decided to make some positive changes in my life.
Worker #2: See, the old Ken would never say that. The old Ken would break something and kick you when you were down. Y’know, keep things EXCITING. It’s just so dull around here now.
Worker #1: Yes, the old Ken would sucker you into some stupid argument and then go down to the parking garage and break your windshield or slash your tires. THOSE WERE FUN TIMES. WE WANT THEM BACK.
Ken: Well, guys, I’m really sorry but…
Worker #2: Shut your mouth, Ken. You start drinking regular coffee again or we will have you fired. Done deal. And we know you’re seeing a therapist, also. Dump the therapist, Ken. This is not a negotiation.
Ken: Wow, I’m feeling kind of overwhelmed here by this negative energy.
Worker #3: It’s because you’re a pussy, Ken. You see, we didn’t have to be negative before because you were filling those shoes. You’ve destroyed the balance. Now think things over carefully and ask yourself if it’s worth losing your job over this. Back to work everyone.
Ken walks in the room to see his co-workers looking at him in a concerned fashion.
Ken: Hey guys, what’s up? What a great lunch.
Worker #1: Hey, Ken. Have a seat. We have to talk. We’re all really concerned about you, Ken. We think you need help so we’ve arranged this intervention.
Ken: An intervention? For me? What on earth for?
Worker #2: It’s the coffee, Ken. You used to drink regular coffee and for the last couple of weeks we know you’ve switched over to decaf. You’re a different person.
Ken: Really? How so?
Worker #1: Well, to begin with you’ve lost your edge. The old Ken was always there with a cheap laugh at somebody else’s expense. The old Ken had a bitter, nasty, cynical, dark, sarcastic sense of humour. Let me put it this way. You, Ken, are too goddamn NICE.
Ken: Wow. Really? It is true that I’ve been feeling really good these days. You guys think it’s the coffee? Hmmmmm...maybe it is. But hey you guys, c’mon, I guess you could call this the new me. I no longer feel the need to be rude to people and to hate my life with such relentless passion.
Worker #3: Seriously, Ken. You’re boring. I miss those times where I’d hear you alternately crying and then screaming alone in the bathroom stall.
Worker #2: Yeah, Ken. Or those times you’d break the window with your elbow and threaten suicide. Good old Ken. Up to his usual antics. WHERE HAS HE GONE?
Ken: I don’t know guys. I guess I’ve just decided to make some positive changes in my life.
Worker #2: See, the old Ken would never say that. The old Ken would break something and kick you when you were down. Y’know, keep things EXCITING. It’s just so dull around here now.
Worker #1: Yes, the old Ken would sucker you into some stupid argument and then go down to the parking garage and break your windshield or slash your tires. THOSE WERE FUN TIMES. WE WANT THEM BACK.
Ken: Well, guys, I’m really sorry but…
Worker #2: Shut your mouth, Ken. You start drinking regular coffee again or we will have you fired. Done deal. And we know you’re seeing a therapist, also. Dump the therapist, Ken. This is not a negotiation.
Ken: Wow, I’m feeling kind of overwhelmed here by this negative energy.
Worker #3: It’s because you’re a pussy, Ken. You see, we didn’t have to be negative before because you were filling those shoes. You’ve destroyed the balance. Now think things over carefully and ask yourself if it’s worth losing your job over this. Back to work everyone.
posted by Kevin C. Pearce | 10:24 PM
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