new comedy skit and dream sequence

A little background on the following bit. First off, suicide is a serious subject. I've lost somebody to suicide and it leaves you feeling empty. At the same time, as a satirist, nothing is off limits. Usually the people who are offended are completely oblivious to satire to begin with. That said, I'll let you decide for yourself. If this offends you send me an e-mail and tell me why. There's no reason why we can't have an open discussion about this.


I will proof read your suicide note. I will typeset it, clean up the spelling and grammar mistakes and make it the very best it can be. Your life is a mess but your suicide note shouldn’t be. You must look at your suicide note as art. It is your final message to the world. Your voice will never be heard again. It is your last will and testament. Who is going to get your CD’s and DVD collection? Seriously though…that music you listen to is depressing, but hey, the damage is done, right? Who is going to inherit all those books you’ve been obsessing over and collecting? Those authors didn’t teach you a damn thing. You’re committing suicide after all. These are important decisions to make. I can even act as your suicide advisor. I have a wealth of experience on the subject and I lived to tell about it. Valuable information you may find useful. First things first. Open or closed casket? Pills or drowning equals open…even hanging. Jumping off an overpass in front of a truck? Closed casket…and they might not even find all your bodyparts…you just gave your anatomy the ultimate workout after all. Gunshot? That could go either way. Seriously though. A family member has to identify your body whether your head and limbs are attached or not. Back to the note. You want the note to be sad and not angry. A passive form of suicide is pills. An angry suicide is the overpass in front of a truck. Chances are you are sad AND angry. It might help not to mention the people you are angry with. The guilt that follows your death will be intense no matter how pathetic your life was. You don’t want to burden somebody by mentioning that their words or actions may have influenced your final decision. I’ll say it again. Sad not mad. Don’t get religion involved either. That’s just going to be messy no matter how you slice it. Maybe go for something philosophical. Something about setting your spirit free or some bullshit like that. People eat up that kind of shit. Other than the previous advice all I can really say is I WANT YOUR BUSINESS. We’ll discuss prices and hopefully you will be a satisfied customer. Well, maybe satisfied is the wrong word. You’re going to be dead soon after all. That’s the only thing that will satisfy you at this point. Let’s just try to make it a smooth transition.

Yours in sorrow, ___________________


This bit is based on a dream I had around the millenium...

I see him fall to the concrete out of the corner of my eye. It’s like I hear the shots after he falls. Everything starts happening in slow motion. More bullets can still be heard in random bursts. I feel a stinging in my stomach. There is blood pooling around my feet. I see the gunman now. My legs give out. I can’t feel my body. My head is twisted awkwardly on the blood soaked concrete. I hear the echoes of screams as their volume grows and diminishes like waves hitting the shore. I hear sirens in the distance. Someone is standing over me. I try to speak but nothing. Dots in front of my eyes grow larger. Sounds grow dimmer. I can’t hear my breathing. All I hear is a soft buzzing. I see chaotic movements as people run about. The person standing over me drags me into an alley. His mouth is moving but I can’t hear what he’s saying. I'm numb from head to toe. I’m bleeding out…