Cheap Laugh

Been going through some serious writer's block so here's the deal. I've been writing down the funniest or strangest headlines on Yahoo News for about a year. "Ordinary Madness" as Bukowski would have called it. It should be noted that this is the only post that is not original material. It will be an ongoing post. Hope you get a cheap laugh. I know I did.

-Canadian teen cleared for killing a man he believed was a zombie.
-Man cuts off and steals woman's hair at a bus stop.
-Ohio woman sprays Police with breast milk during dispute.
-Man arrested after trying to set up a home nuclear reactor.
-Three year old is Britain's youngest ever alcoholic.
-Jealous husband hits wife with pet poodle killing the dog.
-Mother happy that ten year old daughter gave birth.
-Woman calls police to warn that her cat is about to explode.
-Child calls 911 line 400 times over Thanksgiving weekend.
-Teacher finds crack cocaine in three year old's shoe.
-Brazil mom finds toddler petting alligator after flood.
-An Oregon man changes his name to Captain Awesome.
-British Army defuses beer keg bomb outside courthouse.
-US man shoots TV with shotgun over Bristol Palin dance.
-Australian thieves steal 21 tonnes of ketchup and mustard.
-Med students surprised that their first autopsy is on their dead teacher.
-US teen's murder defense: I am a vampire and a werewolf.
-Math teacher in France in serious condition after setting herself on fire in schoolyard.
-Pooping plastic dog tops must-have Christmas toy list.
-Electric toothbrushes recalled in Canada after some 'exploded'.
-US mom shoots kids in welfare office over food stamps.
-93 year old Toronto woman arrested for weapons possession.
-People across Canada want to adopt Alberta dog that killed newborn.
-Human waste is slowly destroying India's railway system.
-Boy finds live grenade during Easter egg hunt in England.

a few observations...

I'm watching this TV commercial about investment banking and at the end of the commercial they show the company's logo and you see a hand placing reading glasses over the logo. So I ask, what does poor eyesight have to do with investing?

Picking my nails is just absolutely fantastic fun. It gives me a sense of accomplishment. I've really perfected my style. If there's any blood that's just the bonus round.

I don't lie but some people misunderstand my strange truths.

Sometimes I'm too lazy to find myself. I don't mind being somebody else.

I ate an apple the other day and it had no taste. I have a sneaking suspicion that somebody has invented the tofu apple.

So I'm watching The Weather Network and they show some footage of babies in their strollers all dressed up for Halloween. The 'Weather Lady' then says "Those babies are so cute I want to just grab them and shake them." Uhhhh.....Is it just me or isn't that the leading cause of infant fatalities? I wonder if her boss noticed that. KEEP THIS WOMAN AWAY FROM BABIES.

Some people find religion at the ass end of hell. Funny how that works.