3 Comedy Skits

"The gardener committed suicide."
"What? What the fuck do you mean the gardener committed suicide? You're serious?"
"I'm serious. The gardener committed suicide. Dead. Gone. No more gardening."
"Fuck. How did he do it?"
"Stepped in front of a train. Decapitated. Closed casket."
"Damn. Why did he do it?"
"I think it was a loneliness type deal. Maybe some depression."
"MAYBE SOME FUCKING DEPRESSION?!? He stepped in front of a train goddamnit. Do you know how hard it is to stare down a goddamn train going eighty miles an hour? That's when your mind is gone, man. That's when your heart is dead."
"Yeah...I guess so. Anyways, what are we gonna do?"
"Shit, man. I don't pay you for nothing. Find another goddamn gardener. And check him out. I don't want any more suicides. It's not good for the image of the business, y'know?"
"Yeah. Do you wanna go to the funeral?"
"Hell no. What the fuck are you talking about? He wasn't my friend. He was a goddamn suicidal gardener. Goddamnit. I was just lounging by the pool and now I gotta deal with this. Find a gardener, make sure he's got his shit together then show him what to do and put him to work. And give him five bucks an hour more than the dead guy."
"Why?"
"Just do it."



The Chief of the Fire Department confronts his son in his bedroom.

Father: Look, son. I know you're on disability benefits because your brain doesn't work properly but I'm going to have to ask you to STOP BURNING DOWN HOUSES IN THE COMMUNITY. I KNOW IT'S YOU AND I'M TIRED OF PUTTING OUT YOUR GODDAMN FIRES. WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM? I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT. MASTURBATING WHILE SOME POOR FAMILY'S WORLDLY POSSESSIONS ARE BURNED TO ASH. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE COMMUNITY THINKS OF THIS? IT'S FRONT PAGE NEWS.

Son: Well, at least I'm not out stealing cars or spraying graffiti.

Father: WHAT?!? WHERE'S THE FUCKING COMPARISON?!? BURNING HOUSES IS WORSE THAN STEALING CARS. DO YOU UNDERSTAND? GO STEAL A FUCKING CAR. I'LL BUY YOU A GODDAMN CAR. JUST STOP GETTING YOUR SEXUAL FULFILLMENT BY BURNING DOWN HOUSES. IT'S JUST NOT GOOD MANNERS.

Son: You'll buy me a car? Wow, that would be great. But the problem is, I only get horny when I'm watching a house burn real nice. Fire is my life.

Father: GODDAMMIT SON. THE NEXT TIME YOU DO IT I'M TURNING YOU IN. ISN'T THERE ANYTHING ELSE YOU COULD DO TO KEEP YOURSELF OCCUPIED?!?

Son: Well, I made this big ball of tinfoil from cigarette packs. It's about the size of a softball and I go for long walks around town with it cradled in my arms and I rock it back and forth just like a baby. I get a lot of weird looks from people but it gives me a feeling of satisfaction and accomplishment, a lot like the fires...I mean, different from the fires...awww fuck, man...nothing beats the fires. It's just LOVE. I can't get enough.

Father: Shit, son. That's charming. Just charming. THIS CONVERSATION IS OVER. I WILL NOT BAIL YOU OUT OF JAIL WHEN YOU GET CAUGHT. I AM AN UPSTANDING MEMBER OF THE COMMUNITY. I CANNOT DEAL WITH THIS.

Son: Just be happy that your only son found true love. Let that ease your mind as the houses burn. See ya later. Got a big date tonight.



"Do you love me?"
"I'm not asking myself so don't ask me."
"What kind of answer is that?"
"Let's be serious. There are thousands of other people out there that I am more attracted to and would be better suited for. But I do like you and respect you."
"You'd rather be with someone else?"
"Well, yes, but think of this as something of a compromise. You smell reasonably good and you hardly ever yell at me when I fuck up and I fuck up a lot so it's cool."
"Oh that's so sweet, asshole."
"What? You wanted my honesty. Isn't there guys out there who you are more attracted to and would be better suited for?"
"Yes, I suppose there is."
"OK, then."
"OK, then."
VERY AWKWARD SILENCE
"Can we have sex now?"
"Yes, but more swearing and spanking this time."
"Of course. Wouldn't have it any other way."