Tired Old Cliches

I was reading some posts on a site calling bullshit on cliches so I thought I'd join in on the fun and give it my spin. This will be an ongoing post.

"I go by the book."
Can you be a bit more specific?

"Fancy meeting you here."
Translation: Why the fuck do I keep running into you?

"You're preaching to the choir."
Guess what. In this case the preacher doesn't give a shit.

"It's only a game."
What the loser says to console themselves.

"Armed to the teeth."
What does that have to do with weapons? Do you bite people?

"The world is yours."
You may believe this if you're a narcissistic egomaniac sociopath. Otherwise, no.

"Elvis has left the building."
Yes. More then thirty years ago. Now let him rest in peace.

"You need to relax."
What do you know about my needs?

"I am my brother's keeper."
Really? Does it pay well? Is he mentally challenged?

"It costs an arm and a leg."
Then you can't afford it, knucklehead.

"I'm gonna clean your clock."
No need. It's not dirty. But you may have an anger problem.

"Do as I say and not as I do."
At least you admit you're a hypocrite.

"It was dirt cheap."
So it was free?

"Don't hold your breath."
I should probably mention this. I'm a swimmer.

"Crime doesn't pay."
You obviously didn't consult any criminals.

"I bet the farm."
Due to the state of the economy, in many cases this may be sadly true.

"I'll love you forever."
Touching but highly unlikely.

"Make yourself at home."
I've seen your home. If you treat my home like yours you are on the first bus out.

"The early bird gets the worm."
Maybe. I find sleeping in feels better.

"Home is where the heart is."
Perhaps. Also where the problems are.

"Do you feel me?"
No. In no way am I touching you.

"I followed in his footsteps."
Really? So you stared at the ground and moved very slowly?

"Boys will be boys."
There are so many jokes to be made on this one that I'm just not going to bother.

"Any friend of yours is a friend of mine."
Wow. You must have a lot of friends.

"No regrets."
Translation: I will not admit to my regrets.

"You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink."
Sure you can. Tie him to a tree by the water. Eventually he'll get thirsty.

"Go with your gut."
In no way does my gut affect my decision making.

"I wasn't born yesterday."
No shit? I just figured you were a genetic anomaly. And by that I mean ASSHOLE.

"It ain't over till it's over."
REDUNDANT.

"It is what it is."
REDUNDANT AND USELESS.

"It ain't over until the fat lady sings."
Then it will probably never be over.

"It's not rocket science."
I never said it was, idiot.

"You can take THAT to the bank."
Really? You're going to give me some money? Sounds good.

"All is fair in love and war."
Getting your heart broken is fair? Dying for your government's war is fair?

"Long time no see."
Translation: I wasn't planning on seeing you. Ever.

"It's nothing personal."
An easy way not to take responsibility for a personal attack.

"I'll be a monkey's uncle."
Translation: Punch me in the face before I say any more stupid shit.

"No man is an island."
Anyone who says this should go live on an island. Preferably an island with no sustainable resources.

"Talk to the hand."
You obviously can't handle criticism. And you're annoying.

"You lost me."
Sorry. I guess you're dumber than I thought. Actually I take that back. I'm not sorry.

"You can't put toothpaste back in the tube."
Why would you want to? Find a hobby. Seriously.

"You can say that again."
I'd rather not. I made my point already.

"To be honest with you."
You have to tell me when you're being honest? Lie much?

"You can't judge me unless you walk a mile in my shoes."
Assuming they fit me and I do walk a mile, can I judge you then? Just kidding. I've already judged you.

"We're taking the scenic route."
Translation: I have something important to talk to you about and it has nothing to do with scenery.

"Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."
If you do, you could always use the post-partum depression temporary psychosis defense, spend a couple of years in an institution then get released. Once you're back in your right mind, however, you may come across this troubling thing called 'guilt'. Good luck with that.

"Always look on the bright side of life."
Let's be realistic for a moment. Not everything in life has a bright side. You may as well be saying "Sometimes look on the delusional side of life."

"Don't rain on my parade."
Nobody is having a parade for you and I don't control the weather.

"Get with the program."
What is this program you speak of? It sounds intriguing. Wait. No it doesn't.

"The ball's in your court."
Yes, I realize I have a decision to make but your lame sports metaphor isn't helping.

"New lease on life."
Were you renting before? I like to think I own my life.

"The red carpet treatment."
Obnoxious idiots shoving microphones in your face and so many flashes going off you can barely see. Sound like fun?

"Ugly as sin."
Some sins are beautiful.

"Sweet."
Seems to be one of the defining words of our times. Doesn't really bother me but I'd like to start saying 'sour' just to see the looks on people's faces. Who knows? Maybe it will catch on.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket."
How many baskets am I going to need? I have to know these things.

"Take a picture, it will last longer."
Close your mouth, it will make me feel better.

"You can't learn to swim without getting in the water."
Wow. The philosophical impact of this statement has made me re-assess my entire existence. Yawn.

"A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush."
I know what this means (I admit, I looked it up.) but it still sounds like it originated in another language and the translation was completely butchered.

"Let sleeping dogs lie."
Very true.  Especially pit bulls who have been routinely mistreated and taunted and are trained to go for the throat.

"Under the weather"
We're all under the weather.  I believe it's called gravity.

"We're not getting any younger."
Can't say much for your conversation skills either.

"Having said that..."
You just referenced yourself saying something important.  Necessary?  Absolutely not.