The Couchsurfer's Checklist
You got wasted. Again. You partied your cock off. There is no way that you can get home without passing out in a bus shelter or a ditch or wherever. You ask a friend if you can crash on their couch for the night. They sympathize with your situation and begrudgingly allow you to couch surf for the night. The following checklist will demonstrate exactly what kind of houseguest you really are.
1. Every dollar of food/drink taken - 5 points
2. Drinking host's alcohol without asking - 10 points per beer or ounce of liquor
3. Smoking host's cigarettes - 3 points per smoke
4. Leaving dishes/glasses/cutlery in sink - 2 points per item
5. Broken dishes/glasses - 15 points each
6. Broken beer bottles - 15 points each
7. Spilling drinks on couch or floor causing stain - 20 points
8. Puking on couch or floor - 20 points
9. Pissing yourself on couch - 20 points
10.Excessively loud snoring - 15 points
11.Pubic hair(s) on toilet seat - 10 points
12.Urine on toilet seat - 10 points
13.Leaving shit in toilet - 15 points
14.Plugging toilet with no attempt to fix it - 20 points
15.Bitching about your hangover the next day - 1 point per second
The rating system:
0 - 15 points : You are a model houseguest. Next time you're in an alcoholic stupor you'll most likely be invited back.
15 - 50 points : You are tolerable. Chances are you'll be invited back depending on how drunk your host is.
50 - 100 points : C'mon, man. Get your shit together. You might get invited back but don't count on it.
100 - 200 points : Goddamnit you are a bad, inconsiderate drunk. And you wonder why your friends don't return your calls.
200 + points : You are a raging shitstorm of a drunk. Seriously. Get help. People like you give drunks a bad name. Damn you're an asshole. Drink at home and spare the rest of us your complete inablilty to handle alcohol.
For those of you who play host to drunk couchsurfing friends, consider posting this list on your fridge. And make the bastards read it.
1. Every dollar of food/drink taken - 5 points
2. Drinking host's alcohol without asking - 10 points per beer or ounce of liquor
3. Smoking host's cigarettes - 3 points per smoke
4. Leaving dishes/glasses/cutlery in sink - 2 points per item
5. Broken dishes/glasses - 15 points each
6. Broken beer bottles - 15 points each
7. Spilling drinks on couch or floor causing stain - 20 points
8. Puking on couch or floor - 20 points
9. Pissing yourself on couch - 20 points
10.Excessively loud snoring - 15 points
11.Pubic hair(s) on toilet seat - 10 points
12.Urine on toilet seat - 10 points
13.Leaving shit in toilet - 15 points
14.Plugging toilet with no attempt to fix it - 20 points
15.Bitching about your hangover the next day - 1 point per second
The rating system:
0 - 15 points : You are a model houseguest. Next time you're in an alcoholic stupor you'll most likely be invited back.
15 - 50 points : You are tolerable. Chances are you'll be invited back depending on how drunk your host is.
50 - 100 points : C'mon, man. Get your shit together. You might get invited back but don't count on it.
100 - 200 points : Goddamnit you are a bad, inconsiderate drunk. And you wonder why your friends don't return your calls.
200 + points : You are a raging shitstorm of a drunk. Seriously. Get help. People like you give drunks a bad name. Damn you're an asshole. Drink at home and spare the rest of us your complete inablilty to handle alcohol.
For those of you who play host to drunk couchsurfing friends, consider posting this list on your fridge. And make the bastards read it.
posted by Kevin C. Pearce | 5:44 PM
1 Comments:
smoking ANY cigarette at all = full white trash
Post a Comment
<< Home